Relationship breakdown and your children

There is help available if you want to try to save your relationship. However, if the relationship has definitely broken down, there are also ways you can help make the break-up as painless as possible for your children.

Counselling

A counsellor can help you discuss your problems and will help couples that want to save their relationship. Counsellors are trained to listen and to help you work out your own solutions to relationship problems.

If your relationship has definitely broken down, counselling can help the family come to terms with what is happening. It could also lead to better family decisions and long-term relationships after the break-up.

Find counselling services in your area on the Relate NI website

How can you help your children?

Relationship breakdown can be a very emotional time for children, so try to bear the following in mind:

children often think the divorce or separation is their fault - reassure your child that it's not
try to avoid asking the child who they want to live with – they may feel they are being asked which parent they love more
older children may become resentful of one of the parents if they feel that one parent is 'to blame' – try to encourage children not to 'take sides'
stability is important to children - encourage your children to keep following their usual routine, but don't force them
if you feel angry towards your partner, don't let this boil over into physical or verbal violence - children can suffer if they see such behaviour
try to resolve conflicts with your partner early - the longer you leave a problem, the worse it can be for your children
don't use your children to negotiate for you and don't ask them to keep secrets or give you information about your partner
tell your children that it is okay to cry and don't make them feel guilty about showing affection or concern about their other parent

Keeping your children informed

It is important to keep your children informed at every stage of your separation or divorce. You are not protecting them by keeping things from them.

Tell your children what is happening. They don't need every detail, but they do need to know what is going on. They may not wish to be involved in making decisions, but most children will still want to feel they are being listened to.

Encourage your children to ask questions and give them honest and reassuring answers, but don't promise what you can’t deliver. If something is not yet decided, then say so and reassure them that you will tell them as soon as you can.

Reaching an agreement

Reaching an agreement out of court about issues such as your children’s care is usually the best way. You may not be able to reach total agreement, but it can still help to make issues easier to resolve even if you do go to court.

Mediation can be used when you have decided to go ahead with a divorce, dissolution of your civil partnership or separation, by helping you to work out solutions between you in ways that reduce confrontation.

You can ask a trained family mediator to act as an impartial third party; they will help couples come to an agreement without bias or being on anyone’s ‘side’.

You can find mediation services in your area by calling the Family Mediation NI on 028 9024 3265, or visiting the Family Mediation NI website.

Family Mediation NI

The Law Society of NI operates a Dispute Resolution Service (DRS) which has now become a well established form of mediation in NI. It is not limited to court referred disputes but can be undertaken at any stage of a dispute.